Questions Folk Ask Frequently

Is this picture slipping vince?
Over the past thirteen years Spanner have been asked many questions regarding the comedy waiter act.
Below are a few of the obvious and loads of the not so.
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Q
Do you ever spill wine or food over the guests?
 A
Believe it or not, we are only human. If this does happen it is a genuine accident. As a rule, we don't get involved with serving food so it is more likely to be a real member of staff, rather than a Spanner performer. Plus the fact that it just would not be funny. In 11 years, not one dry cleaning bill.

We dont do this .... 

Q
Do you get involved with the serving of food?
 A
No. We have on one occassion, stood behind a buffet table handing out pickled onions from the jar wearing surgical gloves. But usually, before the starter is placed, we will serve wine and sometimes our waitress will serve one or two bread rolls, in order to give the impression that we are real waiting staff. The banqueting staff are fully briefed before a Spanner performance and are instructed to do their job as normal, as if we weren't even there. We always pull away from the tables when main course is served and return to collect empty plates, then continue the performance.
 
Q
Do venues ever worry about your act, and their reputation?
 A
Due to the secret nature of the act, initially all Spanner performers are very careful and fully aware that other guests are in more public areas of the venue. Only on very rare occassions do people outside the Spanner performance arena know we are infiltrating the venue. The secrecy is generally maintained during pre-dinner drinks up until the end of starter. At this point, the Spanner gags become highly visible and obvious. At the end of the performance we ask the client to make an announcement, which exonerates the venue and its staff.
 
 Q
How many waiters do we need for one table of ten?
 A
Spanner have performed with a four-person team for one table of six and for up to 1,000 guests at the NEC. Although not essential, we may recommend extra Spanner staff be used for parties of over 600 for example. Due to the nature of our act we do not supply single comedy waiters, as we feel that the impact is lost, although for smaller events we can provide two or three Spanner performers, however, the four person act is, and will always be alot funnier.
 
 Q
Can you target specific guests for an individual spot of Spannering?
 A
Yes, many clients request that certain individuals are singled out for extra Spannering, and we do have several gags we can perform on these chosen guests. By the same token, if the client feels that a guest would just not be up to a Spannering (i.e. a boring bastard on table three), we would bear this in mind. One way around this is to let them in on the secret.
 
 Q
Have you ever been hit (thumped, smacked in the mouth, beaten up)?
  A
Believe it or not, no. We have had guests (and not always male), who have quite rightly complained to the real hotel Manager. When they find out that the whole thing is a set up they are often the ones who enjoy it the most and end up booking us for a function of their own.
 
 Q
Do you get paid for doing this?
 A
Yes, of course we do, however, we always maintain (agents take note) if we ever win the national lottery we will be Spannering for free!! We love it.
 
 Q
What do you do for a day job?
A
This is our day job. The Spanner office is open from 10:00am to 6:00pm Monday to Friday. But we do also have extremely lucrative part time jobs:- Buff and Vince have a hot spud van outside Reflections disco in Birmingham. Bub is a night shift shelf filler at PetStretcher, whilst Becky knits hats and has a rather colourful market stall in the centre of Tamworth.
 
 Q
Can you provide a whole evening of entertainment from pre-dinner drinks through to bedtime that our guests will never forget, at an affordable cost?
 A
Yes. Please call our office to discuss a Spanner package that includes spoof media, comedy waiting, a dubious awards ceremony, a very cheesy dinner band, Spanner disco, iffy game shows, quizzes, and guess what? They are all performed with our unique Spanner style of comedy.
 
 Q
Do you do weddings?
 A
Yes, we have successfully spannered a few weddings. We do however insist that both the bride and groom are in on the gag.
 
 Q
Is it true that Spanner are using the Millennium to get as much money as possible from the highest bidder?
 A
No, but we are not willing to keep December 31st 1999 on hold for anyone.
If someone outbids our current offer, we will inform all parties concerned to either up the offer or get lost. Closing date for bids is 31st October 1999. Only the four person act will perform on this evening, and our friends and family would also have to be catered for. With 4 star hotels (preferably with leisure facilities including golf, tennis) and a guided tour of local places of interest for our families to visit. Unless we win the lottery of course, in which case we will perform for free and drive home.
 
 Q
Why did you call this page QFAF, surely it should be FAQs?
  A
Yawn .......
 

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